I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
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ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
When the stylist spins you back around
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…