@Jarhead44

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

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@tinynietzsche

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

@thespacewad

If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.

@TheToddWilliams

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

@Gooooats

Me: you’re going to bed in 5 minutes.
Toddler: No. Twenty minutes!
Me: Ok. *puts him to bed in 2 minutes because he has no concept of time*

@CulturedRuffian

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

@FunnyBison

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

@BlueOnBlack72

“I’m sorry you’re mad” is NOT a real apology.

*signs ER paperwork from a gurney*

I know this now.