I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

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The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.


If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.


[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*


Me: you’re going to bed in 5 minutes.
Toddler: No. Twenty minutes!
Me: Ok. *puts him to bed in 2 minutes because he has no concept of time*



Happy April Fools!!!


Happy April, Fools!!!


If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.


“I’m sorry you’re mad” is NOT a real apology.

*signs ER paperwork from a gurney*

I know this now.