I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
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Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Inside you there are two wolves