@Jarhead44

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

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@bigmacher

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

@noogscorner

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

@Michael1979

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

@Birdhumms

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

@T_Bonezzz_

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

@Rollmaninoz

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

@WilliamRodgers

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

@crocodilethumbs

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

@dadsrpeopletoo

1719: We can only pray the harvest will provide enough food to last the winter.

Now: They had a sale on the 15 pound tubs of peanut butter at Costco, so I got 4.