I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
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I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
old twitter is back baby
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.