I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
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Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Breaking news:
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me