I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
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“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.