Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

#titanic

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining