Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.