Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

I’d rather fork than spoon.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what