Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”