I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
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“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Have a lovely day 😊
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.