I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
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You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t