I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
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He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.