Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

can’t catch a break

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

we all know this pain all too well

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.