Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

Shark week, but for squirrels.

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

Beards are a privilege, not a right

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.