Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

Intelligence is the new cleavage

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

My what?

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

#NoRestForTheWicked

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.