Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks

?

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

Me trying to “trust the process”

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?