@skickwriter

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

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@mommatotwo_

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

@Jake_Vig

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

@senderblock23

Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno

@Sam19eighty

Mom: I’m worried you might end up alone. nMe: Don’t worry mom, do you know how many followers i have???nMom: … ( Worried face)

@WheelTod

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

@rachellinfox

Sister posted on FB: pray for me, I have a test tomorrow.

My comment: it’s cheating if Jesus helps you.

Solidifying my black sheep status

@joejwest

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

@BeTheBoy

The first sign I wasn’t going to be a doctor is when I called Anatomy “Skeleton Class.”

Sign two was failing skeleton class.

@PFPTMillsy

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

@markedly

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS