@skickwriter

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

- @skickwriter

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@ThisOneSayz

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”thatUPSdude”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3022333640/5ea6ba9db8fde5cc05ad6cf7d9c52e36_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”329242784039063552″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”46″;s:5:”tweet”;s:86:”Give me that, let me show you how it’s done.

~Things I say before requiring stitches.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@Jacob_Swift16

When I was a child someone shot me with a flare gun and I’ve been absolutely fabulous ever since

@randypaint

saying “u should smile more”

-boring
-she wont like it
-will not make her smile

saying “lemme see ur mouth bones”

-very fresh
-she also will not like it probably
-haha unless?
-nope she definitely wont

@Try2StopME

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

@jonnysun

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

@portmanteauface

ME: there’s a full moon this Easter, you know what that means

THEM:

ME:

THEM: werewolf Jesus?

ME: *cocking shotgun* werewolf Jesus

@cat_beltane

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”