[Carnac the Magnificent]
Liver and fava beans
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
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I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
NEVER date someone that works for your cell phone provider.
In 1987 I became the first man to beat an IBM computer in a hotdog eating contest.
I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.