@skickwriter

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

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@TheBoydP

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

@UncleDuke1969

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

@CourtneyBale

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

@graceful_asfuck

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

@FinallyHeSleeps

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

@Timothygriff317

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

@Smooheed

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

@Bluestmoon_

NEVER date someone that works for your cell phone provider.

You’re welcome.

@thrillhicks

In 1987 I became the first man to beat an IBM computer in a hotdog eating contest.

@shawn_spree

I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.