Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

A Match(.com), but for socks.

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.