Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”