Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

My neck, my back, my…

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.