I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
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not for long
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
