Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

My plans: 2020:

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.