I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
You Might Also Like
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Auto correct is my worst enema.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his