Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?