I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
What number SPF blocks people?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up