Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

placebo pills? more like sike meds

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks