Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.