Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

Voting for coroner

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

Deer: *frozen in headlights*

Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.