Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

Me: The doctor said that because of the anesthesia, I should just lay around all day reading and watching Saved by the Bell

TwinzerMom: Wasn’t it just a local anesthetic?

Me: I mean, I’m not the one with the medical degree, so who am I to question?

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

how do i lose 30 pounds without cutting out baja blast, coffee creamer, and my ritual of eating 400 calories worth of candy at 11pm???

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

So, can we agree on 4 or

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

ready to be harvested

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”