I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
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Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.