I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
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YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
Banana is the quietest snack
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I don’t know if I’m just renewing my driver’s license every year or if I’m aging like a store bought banana.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.