Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

A faux pas at a dinner welcoming alien visitors: an egg dish is served to the visitors, not knowing they’re oviparous.

“No offense was intended, I’m sure, but you have to understand: us eating eggs would be like…would be like you consuming another mammal.”

“…right.”

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

All right then, keep your secrets

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

Ain’t no way

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

i- i did not expect this

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO