I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
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He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families