Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

WTF IS THAT!

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!