I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
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why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all