I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

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hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities


Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.


Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.


[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.


Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.


Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.


The ladies in my knitting club think it’s hilarious when I greet them by saying, “Sup, my knittas?!”


Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?


[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.