I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
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It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
My Guy