I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
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I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…