Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same