Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

Its a hippotatomus

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

PLOT TWIST:

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.