i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
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when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
Spring of Deception
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.