i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
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Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
“Wait, let me explain..”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Tough love is true love
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.