i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
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Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
me opening up to someone
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
“our sushi is very fresh”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.