@wolfpupy

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

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@meladoodle

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

@garrettbarry70

My wife complains that my socks are too big for her but she doesn’t care that her bra pinches my back.

@alexa_alessia

Oh ..your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?:-)

@LuvPug

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

@Rollinintheseat

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

@atrout920

*During traffic stop

Cop: “My partner is indicating to me that you might be in possession of drugs.”

Me (pointing down): “You mean him?”

C: “Yes, him!”

M: “So your dog talks to you, and I’m the one who’s high?”

C: *Stun guns me*

@Freudianscript

When life gives you lemons…..

Facebook makes lemonade.
Twitter Makes Martinis.

@RocketRankoon

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

@Book_Krazy

ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”