i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

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A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”


My wife complains that my socks are too big for her but she doesn’t care that her bra pinches my back.


Oh ..your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?:-)


I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.


When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”


*During traffic stop

Cop: “My partner is indicating to me that you might be in possession of drugs.”

Me (pointing down): “You mean him?”

C: “Yes, him!”

M: “So your dog talks to you, and I’m the one who’s high?”

C: *Stun guns me*


When life gives you lemons…..

Facebook makes lemonade.
Twitter Makes Martinis.


The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.


ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”