Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

😂

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

I’m tired tomorrow.

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

technically true but not a great slogan

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”