Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

…u ok Nintendo?

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

batman: i caught the penguin

judge: bail is set for $0

batman: isn’t he a flight risk?

judge:

batman: oh right

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.