I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.![]()
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Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
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godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.