Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

Life hack

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad