i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
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mathematically impossible
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Stick it to the man
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.