i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
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I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.