Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party