Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

oh my gosh!!

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh