Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

hi why am I like this

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

He wanted to make sure😂

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?