I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
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Them: what鈥檚 your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don鈥檛.
it鈥檚 either covid or clever vampires
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You鈥檒l see it when you鈥檙e pooping
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Explaining to my future spouse that I鈥檒l never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 馃槼
Bluetick 1: I know 馃槀 that鈥檚 just Twitter though isn鈥檛 it 馃檮
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love鉂わ笍
Bluetick 1: 鉂わ笍
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I鈥檇 probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
We have also removed your mother鈥檚 number from contacts because obviously you鈥檙e too busy to call her.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
You鈥檙e never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow