Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

My kids: We’re bored!

Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

W

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.