I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
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Knock Knock
A Monday every week is excessive
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Best seat on the street 😍
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them