Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

A bad analogy is like a cucumber