Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.