I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
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How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
Trying
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow