I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
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When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
☠️ ☠️
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Now colored!
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?