Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail