Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

You sure about that?

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)