I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
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I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself