I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
You Might Also Like
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Every. Damn. Time.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
dead inside
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep