Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

crochet youtube is brutal

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’