I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
You Might Also Like
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
