Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.