I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
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Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
new record!
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Birds & Planes.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”