Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.