I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task